The Household of God
Rise and spiritual prime of the first world empire Hanoch
- Chapter 33 -
HORED'S SOUL-SEARCHING, HIS ADMISSION OF GUILT AND HIS NEW ERROR
Since Hored had recognized the Lord, things began to dawn on him so that he said to himself:
"What shall I do now? I - a miserably weak, powerless worm in the dust who is hardly any longer capable of taking on a little tree the thickness of my arm; He- a God, an eternal God, the endless primordial might, strength and power Himself! I - an abominable sinner; He - the supreme holiness!
"I consist of nothing but self-seeking, self-love, egotism; He is full of supreme love, grace and mercy!
"I am full of jealousy, anger, envy and vengefulness; He is full of mildness, gentleness, forbearance, patience and generosity!
"In short, no matter where and how I will and may look at myself, I find myself to be the crassest opposite to Him.
What shall, what will I now do, what begin?
To be sure, He summoned me to the cave, where I was to find out whether my heart was still capable of some repentance; but of what benefit will this be to me?
"Do I not know my evil heart which is just as inclined towards repentance as there is a stone towards pressure, which it resists as long as it is a hard, insensible stone ..
"O Naeme, Naeme, you blameless debtor to my hard, selfish heart, only now does it become clear to me that no one but alone the Lord, your God and Creator, can approach you with impunity!
"Yes, now I suddenly see everything clearly, brightly and in the full light: - She was only given me for my punishment because I made a great fuss in the miserable lowlands with the might, strength and power given me.
"Yes, yes, so it is; and I was blind enough the whole length of time during which I was in sole, uncontested possession of this punishment, not to see and perceive that this seemingly sweet relationship was only a horribly bitter punishment.
"All my life I have been lewd, like a stinking ram and a rutting stag, and proud of my great and strong form. What was, then, more natural than that the Lord, having enough of my incorrigible foolishness, had to thus deservedly and justly punishes me?
"Did I not have to languish before Naeme, who would never yield to me as I was burning before her like a ripe, juicy twig of the olive-tree?
"Still I had to look at her inexpressible charms, so much so that sometimes it became quite dark before my eyes.
"Her face, which is like the most beautiful dawn; her eyes, which are like two rising suns; her mouth, which is like a freshly blossoming rose unfolding from its full bud; her magnificent hair, glittering like a most precious gem; her arm, which is as white as the snow and as tender, gentle and soft: as the first wool; her bosom, the great charms of which cannot be compared to anything. Indeed, her whole nature, which can be compared to nothing on the whole earth, I had to behold without being allowed to enjoy it. Yes, I was not even allowed to embrace her; and whenever I wallowed before her, weeping, she still did not grant my wishes but only gave me lessons and admonitions which would surely not have put to shame Kenan or Enoch, wherefore I could not even leave her so as to take my revenge on her, but was on the contrary compelled to keep loving her more and more.
"O you Punishment of punishments! You harsh punishment! - O father Adam, only now do I clearly realize it: Because you separated yourself from God, you yourself were separated into two parts by God, Who took half of your self from you, forming Eve out of it and giving her to you as a continually punishing helpmate who reduced all your erstwhile worldly strength to the weakness of a worm in the dust and even led you, without any resistance on your part, by the leading-string out of the sublime Paradise, and you did not, as I do now, recognize it as punishment.
"O God, O You great, mighty, holy God! Who can escape Your punishing rod?
"You have chastised me harshly, and I did not realize the severity of Your rod; and when You had mercy upon me, taking the great burden of the harsh punishment from me, - I, the greatest fool and ass, grieved about it.
"Only now do I see the height of my folly and thank You in my heart, as no mortal has ever thanked You, for this Your great mercy towards me, a poor simpleton.
Thanks, thanks, thanks to You! You alone have made me free and I am now truly free, belonging again solely to You and myself.
"However, let me add to my thanksgiving also this request, namely, that You may, in the future, spare me from such punishment forever! If You will, and must, punish me or, in other words, if man has to be punished at all according to Your order, then punish us rather with fire, with poison or with scorpions; but do not ever punish us with the likes of Naeme, lest the earth perish under our feet!
"Do not afflict us worms too much, and be for once done with the constant punishing! Amen."